Posted by: The Matzo Ball | December 14, 2009

Surprise, Surprise: Yankees Buy Cliff Lee and Roy Halladay

The Evil Empire is at it again. The Yankees stole (bought) former Cy Young winners Cliff Lee and Roy Halladay from the Phillies and Blue Jays respectively.

For 48 hours, everyone seemed to be happy. The Philadelphia Phillies were going to acquire former Cy Young winner Roy Halladay, the Mariners were going to get former Cy Young Winner Cliff Lee, and the Blue Jays were going to get… rid of their off-season problems in return for… a few prospects.

In a deal that was said to be completed barring failed physicals by the players involved has turned into a nightmare for the participating teams in the 2009 off-season pitching sweepstakes.

Enter The Evil Empire.

After talks with Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee, the New York Yankees have bought the rights to arguably two of the best five pitchers in Major League Baseball for $51 million this season alone.

New York Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman explained the simple process as to how he stole Lee and Halladay away from their potential teams.

“Listen, sugar,” Cashman announced. “My real name is Brian Goldman.  But once I became a Yankees intern in 1986, I changed it to Cashman for a reason. Money doesn’t grow on trees, but money does grow on the Yankees.”

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Desean Jackson is out for two weeks after getting smushed by Andy Reid during a sideline celebration.

Following the duration of the Sunday Night Football game, analysts were describing the Philadelphia Eagles’ 45-38 win over the New York Giants as one with several defensive errors. Last night, we found out the reasoning behind this madness.

As part of a birthday present for 13-year-old twins Alex and Jake Sherman were named the head officials for the crucial NFC East matchup.

“We were very fair throughout the game,” Jake, the twin without the huge mole on his forehead said. “We told both defensive groups that if they came within two yards of the player on offense, we would call a penalty. I’m used to playing Madden on Xbox360 so I was going to make sure that we wouldn’t have one of those standard 20-17 games.”

Perhaps that would explain close to 700 passing yards and 83 points, 30 of which came in the second quarter. On two separate occasions, 21 points were scored within a 4-minute 30-second span.

While non-mole twin said his main goal was to ensure that it was a high-scoring affair, Alex – better known as Moley Moley – had aspirations of ending the game as quickly as possible, even when Philadelphia had a chance to pad its lead going into halftime.

“We saw that the Eagles recovered the Giants’ fumble with three seconds left in the half,” Alex said. “But I told my intern in the locker room to start cooking me a hamburger at the two-minute warning. After seeing the two touchdowns that were scored in the final two minutes, I wasn’t going to wait any longer and let my hamburger get cold.”

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After spending 17 hours on creating this lovely image, Hans Toomer found out that Mark Ingram did not win the Heisman Trophy Award afterall.

Alabama Crimson Tide Mark Ingram gave a Heisman Trophy Award acceptance speech for the ages. Every tear came at the right moment. His words were heartfelt. The sentiment was much appreciated. His “thank yous” were perfectly appropriate. Too bad that his timeless speech given for taking home this ageless trophy is all for naught.

In one of the most crucial mistakes in sports-voting history, Ingram was mistakenly given college football’s top honor, instead of Stanford running back Toby Gerhart, who actually won the award.

“This is an outcry and a shame for not only this program, but for all of college football,” Tide coach Nick Saban said. “How could they make an error of this proportion? If nothing else, they should split the award and call it even Steven.”

It was initially reported that Ingram received 227 first-place and 1,304 total votes to Toby Gerhart’s 222 first-place and 1,276 total votes. But officially, Gerhart had the 227 first-place votes and Ingram only had 222, putting Gerhart ahead of Ingram for the 2009 Heisman Trophy Award.

“I can’t top that that speech, nor is my team in the BCS Championship game,” Gerhart said. “But all the tear-jerking speeches in the world won’t get him this trophy. There’s always next year, Mark [Ingram].”

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Posted by: The Matzo Ball | December 11, 2009

The December 11 Matzo Ball of the Week Awards (4th Edition):

The December 11 Matzo Ball of the Week Awards:

Matzo Ball Article of the Week – Chad Ochocinco doing what he does best – What’s wrong with a little bit of culture?

Matzo Ball Photo of the WeekIt’s what every fan is thinking… – And I guess what the referee is thinking too.

Matzo Ball Play of the Week
When it’s the Redskins, anything can happen. – Especially when you’re playing the Saints.

Matzo Ball Song of the Week Killin in the Name Of – Rage Against the Machine

Matzo Ball Team of the WeekTwo weeks ago, they shared the honor with the rest of its division mates.  But taking sole possession of the award on the first night of Chanukah? This team has lost five games in a row, is 6-7 on the season and all seven of its losses were by a touchdown or less. Is this really the same team that gave the Minnesota Vikings its only loss of the season? There’s nothing Super about last year’s Super Bowl champs. Give it up for the Pittsburgh Steelers!!!

Matzo Ball Video of the Week The Crystal Ball says that Super Bowl commercials are great – The ball never lies.

To check out all your favorite Matzo Ball of the Week Awards, click here!

Posted by: The Matzo Ball | December 10, 2009

Ex-Cincinnati Brian Coach Kelly ‘Money, Money, Money, Money… Money!

"I’m the football coach at Notre Dame! I can openly be as pompous, condescending and arrogant as I want!" - Ex-Cincinnati, new Notre Dame Coach Brian Kelly

Does it seem a little peculiar for a coach to lead his team to arguably the second most important bowl game in college football, yet notify his players and staff during a team banquet that he is abandoning them?

Congratulations and salutations to ex-Cincinnati Bearcat and new Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly. But why wouldn’t he wait until after the season to take the Irish college football coaching job?

“It’s all about the money! Woooooooo,” Kelly said calmly. “I mean, it’s about coaching… Oh who the hell am I kidding? I’m the football coach at Notre Dame! I can openly be as pompous, condescending and arrogant as I want!”

Some of the Bearcat players did not take the news as well.

“Haha. Very funny,” Cincinnati wide receiver Mardy Gilyard said. “No one would be that ignorant and leave an undefeated team to coach a team that underperforms more and more every year.”

The Cincinnati Bearcats are 12-0 and playing in the Orange Bowl against the 12-0 Florida Gators.

The Notre Dame Irish are 6-6 and have lost four straight games. Their last win came over Washington State, whose only win this season was against Southern Methodist in overtime.

“Apparently, you have to win a championship to scream, ‘I’m going to Disneyland!’” Kelly said. “Well, with all the money I’m getting from Notre Dame, forget about just going to Disneyland, I may as well just buy the freakin’ place.”

Irish players were excited for Kelly to join the team in its quest for the offseason.

“Are we going to a bowl game?” Golden Tate asked. “No. Did we have a winning record? No. Did we finally beat a bad USC team? No. Did we beat Michigan, who lost seven of its last eight games? No. Have we won a bowl game this decade? No… It’s really too bad that I’m leaving for the NFL because the only direction our team is heading is up!”

Posted by: The Matzo Ball | December 7, 2009

Tiger Woods Had Affair With Ex-NBA Referee Tim Donaghy

Tiger Woods celebrates his love for ex-NBA ref Tim Donaghy.

Just when Tiger Woods thought he was out of the spotlight, reports have shown that the golf superstar had not one – not two – but affairs with four individuals. First came Rachel Uchitel, Jaimee Grubbs and Mindy Lawton. But the fourth person was perhaps the most shocking.

Woods admitted earlier today that the first person with whom he started his affair was Tim Donaghy, the former NBA referee who was sent to jail for 15 months, after betting on games in which he officiated.

“When Timmy Tim [Donaghy] pleaded guilty on that gloomy August 15, 2007, my heart shattered,” Woods said. “He was my first, my last, my everything. “How could I ever look at my wife the same again, knowing that she was only the second most important person in my life?”

Donaghy knew that if he pleaded guilty, he would spend less time in jail, meaning he could one day return to his beloved golfer.

“Most people don’t know that I was the one who gave Eldrick the nickname “Tiger,” Donaghy said. “He said that even if he couldn’t be with me in public, every time someone calls him ‘Tiger,’ it reminds him of me.”

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Posted by: The Matzo Ball | December 6, 2009

Michael Vick Traded By Eagles for One Quarter, Starts for Falcons

Straight out of jail, quarterback Michael Vick started the Eagles/Falcons game with the Atlanta Falcons, but finished with the Philadelphia Eagles.

For his return to Atlanta, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick was hoping to run the offense for a few plays and have some positive impact on his team. Well, Michael Vick got his wish as he started at quarterback for the first time in three years – but it wasn’t with the Eagles.

Vick, recently released from jail after dogfighting chargers, was traded from the Eagles to his original team, the Atlanta Falcons, for one quarter to allow Vick to start for the team he played on for six years.

“When I was told by Andy Reid that I was going to start, Donovan [McNabb] pushed Coach [Reid] and said that if I started for the Eagles, he was going to tell on me for not being a good citizen,” Vick said. “But Coach promised me that as an early Christmas present, I would get to start.”

Philadelphia Eagles Coach Andy Reid kept his promise.

“I spoke with the Falcons, and they agreed to have him start,” Reid said. “But I said that I would trade Vick for one quarter as long as they agreed not to score any points until the game was over.”

The Falcons scored a touchdown with 0:00 remaining in the game. Aside from that, they were held scoreless.

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Allen Iverson admits that he cried because the Sixers are a really really bad team -- and now, he's a part of the horror.

With the resigning of Allen Iverson, everyone in Philadelphia assumed Iverson’s teary eyes during his first press conference in his return as a Sixer stemmed from the amount of passion and love he has for the team, the fans and the city. Well Philadelphia… you were wrong.

Iverson clarified what those tears represented and why he couldn’t stop the waterworks.

“Are you kidding me?” The Answer asked in question format. “I do love the fans and the city, but I was crying up there because this 76ers team is the crappiest team I’ve ever played on! Where’s Dikembe Mutumbo? Where’s Eric Snow? Where’s Matt Geiger? Hell, I’ll even take George Lynch!”

The Sixers are hoping the second time around will end much better for Iverson, who said that he wants to finish his career. But he still questions why Philadelphia, let alone any team, would want the former regular season, all-star and NBA Finals MVP.

“If this team didn’t suck so badly, then why would they sign a 40-year-old outcast like me?” Iverson asked reporters. “There were 29 other teams that didn’t want me. Even the Knicks didn’t want me on their team. The New York Knicks! But the Sixers? Hell, they would take someone from the WNBA if they could. Sorry, Lebron.”

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Posted by: The Matzo Ball | December 4, 2009

The December 4 Matzo Ball of the Week Awards (3rd Edition):

The December 4 Matzo Ball of the Week Awards:

Matzo Ball Article of the Week – Signed, sealed and delivered – Eli Manning certainly left his mark on the Cowboys.

Matzo Ball Photo of the Week
Someone should knock some sense into Jay Cutler – Who said that refs don’t look out for their players?

Matzo Ball Play of the Week
Is the touchdown real? – Or was it a fake reverse?

Matzo Ball Song of the Week Enter Sandman – Metallica

Matzo Ball Team of the WeekThe return of Allen Iverson can only mean one thing… The Philadelphia 76ers 10th straight loss. Need we say more?

Matzo Ball Video of the Week Is there anything Peyton Manning isn’t good at? – Apparently not.

To check out all your favorite Matzo Ball of the Week Awards, click here!

“Look, I’m not trying to be a distraction in the locker room. I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m enough of a distraction on the field." - New York Giants Quarterback Eli Manning

There’s lots of hubbub going around in the Cowboys locker room. But unlike most stories, this one doesn’t occur in the home team’s locker room.

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning recently admitted to leaving his signature in the visiting locker room of the Dallas Cowboys $1.2 billion stadium, after the G-Men beat the Cowboys 33-31 back in September. He said that it wasn’t his idea, but a request of a locker room attendant.

But Manning did not just leave his signature on the wall; to the left of the writing, he also left a 10-digit number and a smiley face. As investigative reporters shortly found out, it wasn’t Manning’s, but none other than Cowboys running back Marion Barber’s.

Barber said that for whatever reason, this year he received several calls and text messages from random numbers, but only during pre-game, halftime and immediately after all Dallas home games.

“Marion gets all these texts sayin, ‘I hate the Shegulls, Cowgirls and Porkskins, but I was always secretly a Giants fan,’” Barber said. “ They said, ‘It doesn’t matter how injured or bad your team is, just remember that you’ll never be as bad as the Redskins and you sure as hell will never be as bad as the Cowboys are in December and in playoffs.’ Marion had no idea what this thing had be talking to.”

Manning addressed the questions concerning the phone number he left.

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