Posted by: The Matzo Ball | November 28, 2009

Facebook’s Farmville Caused Tiger Woods’ Severe Car Crash

Had it not been for Farmville, Tiger Woods would not have gotten into a serious car crash.

Hundreds of questions surrounded the controversy regarding golf superstar Tiger Woods’ serious car accident, after he mysteriously got into a one-car wreck just outside of his $2.4 million mansion in Florida.

Some speculated that there may be alcohol involved or that it may be a domestic violence issue, but official reports concluded that neither booze nor spousal abuse played a role whatsoever.

Instead, Tiger Woods admitted that he crashed into a fire hydrant because he was busy playing Farmville, the popular Facebook game, on his iPhone.

“I was playing Farmville on Facebook for seven hours and my wife said that if I don’t stop playing on the computer, then she’s going to kick me out of the house,” Woods said. “Now first of all, it’s my house, so if anyone is getting kicked out, it’s her. But since I’m totally whipped, I knew there was no way.”

But that’s when Tiger’s addictions got the best of him.

“My friend Steve said he was going to send me a chicken before the end of the night, and there was no way in hell I was going to sleep before I got my chicken,” The PGA stud said. “I didn’t know what to expect when I found a lonely cow on my farm, but I thought if he had a chicken companion, maybe he wouldn’t be so lonely anymore. I was pulling out of the driveway, when Steve sent me a stupid mystery egg, and that’s when I hit the hydrant.

Woods’ reasoning behind the crash cause a range of emotions from golf fans.

“I think Farmville is the suckiest bunch of suck that ever sucked,” Brent Sampson said. “I know golf isn’t a sport and all, but I thought at least the name ‘Tiger’ is cool. Now, I don’t think I can ever look at Tiger Woods the same way.”

Another fan disagreed and said Tigers’ crash is doing wonders for the game of golf.

This evil game caused Tiger Woods' crash.

“I don’t watch golf either, but I do play Farmville,” said Michael Moozio, a current

freshman at Alabama Community College. “I got a 1590 on my SATs and got accepted to Harvard, but I was told that you can’t play Farmville at Harvard. Initially, everyone thought I was insane. Looking back and knowing that both Tiger Woods and I both put our careers at severe risk due to Farmville makes me realize that I made the right choice.”

Florida State officials are contemplating initiating a law that states, “No driver is allowed to play Farmville while driving a car,” which means other passengers in the vehicle and drivers driving a tractor would be allowed to play Farmville.


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