Posted by: The Matzo Ball | November 30, 2009

Winner of 3-Point Contest To Take Over New Jersey Nets

Former New Jersey Nets Coach Lawrence Frank was fired after losing 16 straight to start the 2009-10 season. His replacement? The winner of the upcoming 3-point contest!

Remember the movie “Eddie,” the 1996 movie about the New York Knicks’ struggles, where Whoopi Goldberg hits a free throw and eventually becomes coach of the team?

If there is a remake of the movie and it comes out in 2016, it could be labeled as a true story – as long as the team is changed from the Knicks to the New Jersey Nets.

Nets coach Lawrence Frank was recently fired, mired in a historic 16-game losing streak to the start the season, which is the polar opposite of his 13-game winning streak to begin his coaching career with New Jersey.

For the time being, assistant coach Tom Barrise will take over the coaching duties.

But unlike in “Eddie,” where the Knicks held a free-throw shooting contest to see who would take over as coach, the Nets are having a 3-point contest to determine who will be head coach for the duration of the 2009-10 season.

“I want to thank Lawrence for more than a decade of service to the Nets, first as an assistant coach and then as the head coach for the past six and a half seasons,” Nets president Rod Thorn said in a statement. “But as we soon found out, the games we won were all based on luck. That’s why we are having a 3-point contest to determine who will take over as head coach.”

However, it won’t be just any person that will have the opportunity to partake in the 3-point contest.

Only members who have been to every Nets home game this season will get to compete. That narrows it down to four people.

“If I miraculously find a way to win this contest, the first thing I’m going to do as coach of the Nets is buy some new trash bags!” Adam Jack, the Nets long time janitor exclaimed. “This way, when someone says that we look like garbage out on the court, I can pull out a garbage bag and retaliate by pointing to it and saying, ‘No sir and/or ma’am. If we looked like garbage, then we would belong in this bag. And no coach would ever let their players get so claustrophobic in a bag like that.’”

Michelle Thompson, a seven-year-old girl from Warren, N.J. is hoping she will be the lucky recipient of the coaching job.

“I like ponies, and I think you smell,” Thompson said. “If I had a pony, her name would be Michelle Jr. and she would be purple, but she wouldn’t smell. I’m tired.”

Michelle is tired of the Nets losing.



  1. I think the head coach should be named from the winner of the twirl yourself around 10 times and try to run the length of the court and sink a layup. I think surviving the dizziness may be a better barometer of success.

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