Posted by: The Matzo Ball | December 2, 2009

Keith Ballard was drunk when ‘accidentally’ hitting Tomas Vokoun in the head; Ron Artest supplied alcohol

Tomas Vokoun's gruesome injury was caused by Ron Artest's supplying of alcohol. Artest drinks during basketball games.

In the appalling story that is too sickening to believe it’s real, Florida Panthers defenseman Keith Ballard whacked his own goalie, Tomas Vokoun, in the head with a stick, cutting his ear, after Atlanta Thrashers left wing Ilya Kovalchuk scored a goal.

NHL analyst Barry Melrose called the incident “maybe the stupidest thing I’ve seen in my life.” I don’t know that Los Angeles Lakers forward Ron Artest would agree.

Artest, who recently admitted that he drank alcohol during games when he was a member of the Chicago Bulls, and was involved in the “Malice at the Palace” gave Ballard the Hennessy to drink before games and during the first and second intermissions.

“I didn’t mean to hit Tomas [Vokoun] in the head. I was really drunk and for that, I am ever so apologetic and take full responsibility for my actions,” Ballard said. “I didn’t know that was his ear I was chopping off. I’m no Mike Tyson, it’s just that due to my drunken state, I thought he was that girl from The Blair Witch Project. After giving such a horrendous performance in the movie, the least I could is bash her in the face.”

Vokoun gave a heartfelt speech on the accident.

“I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to ask me on the other side,” Vokoun said. “I can’t hear in that ear anymore, thanks to the Blair Witch puncher.”

Meanwhile, Artest is not regretful whatsoever for his decision to give Ballard the alcohol.

“Damn, son. If that was me, I woulda gotten so drunk that I would threatened a guy with my skate, like Adam Sandler did in Happy Gilmore,” Artest said. “Oh, who am I kidding? I’d threaten a guy with my skate even if I weren’t drunk.”

This is not the first time Artest has offered intoxication substances to a professional player.

Two years ago, Artest gave Judah Maccabee of the Jew York Knicks Manischewitz wine just six games into the season.  After an altercation in the third quarter, Maccabee threatened to take off Cohain Goldberg’s yarmulke. This incident led to a seven-game suspension for Maccabee.

Game Notes:

If you are a player in the NHL, drinking alcohol excessively may make you see random bad actors and actresses on the ice.


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