Posted by: The Matzo Ball | December 10, 2009

Ex-Cincinnati Brian Coach Kelly ‘Money, Money, Money, Money… Money!

"I’m the football coach at Notre Dame! I can openly be as pompous, condescending and arrogant as I want!" - Ex-Cincinnati, new Notre Dame Coach Brian Kelly

Does it seem a little peculiar for a coach to lead his team to arguably the second most important bowl game in college football, yet notify his players and staff during a team banquet that he is abandoning them?

Congratulations and salutations to ex-Cincinnati Bearcat and new Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly. But why wouldn’t he wait until after the season to take the Irish college football coaching job?

“It’s all about the money! Woooooooo,” Kelly said calmly. “I mean, it’s about coaching… Oh who the hell am I kidding? I’m the football coach at Notre Dame! I can openly be as pompous, condescending and arrogant as I want!”

Some of the Bearcat players did not take the news as well.

“Haha. Very funny,” Cincinnati wide receiver Mardy Gilyard said. “No one would be that ignorant and leave an undefeated team to coach a team that underperforms more and more every year.”

The Cincinnati Bearcats are 12-0 and playing in the Orange Bowl against the 12-0 Florida Gators.

The Notre Dame Irish are 6-6 and have lost four straight games. Their last win came over Washington State, whose only win this season was against Southern Methodist in overtime.

“Apparently, you have to win a championship to scream, ‘I’m going to Disneyland!’” Kelly said. “Well, with all the money I’m getting from Notre Dame, forget about just going to Disneyland, I may as well just buy the freakin’ place.”

Irish players were excited for Kelly to join the team in its quest for the offseason.

“Are we going to a bowl game?” Golden Tate asked. “No. Did we have a winning record? No. Did we finally beat a bad USC team? No. Did we beat Michigan, who lost seven of its last eight games? No. Have we won a bowl game this decade? No… It’s really too bad that I’m leaving for the NFL because the only direction our team is heading is up!”


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