Posted by: The Matzo Ball | December 14, 2009

Surprise, Surprise: Yankees Buy Cliff Lee and Roy Halladay

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The Evil Empire is at it again. The Yankees stole (bought) former Cy Young winners Cliff Lee and Roy Halladay from the Phillies and Blue Jays respectively.

For 48 hours, everyone seemed to be happy. The Philadelphia Phillies were going to acquire former Cy Young winner Roy Halladay, the Mariners were going to get former Cy Young Winner Cliff Lee, and the Blue Jays were going to get… rid of their off-season problems in return for… a few prospects.

In a deal that was said to be completed barring failed physicals by the players involved has turned into a nightmare for the participating teams in the 2009 off-season pitching sweepstakes.

Enter The Evil Empire.

After talks with Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee, the New York Yankees have bought the rights to arguably two of the best five pitchers in Major League Baseball for $51 million this season alone.

New York Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman explained the simple process as to how he stole Lee and Halladay away from their potential teams.

“Listen, sugar,” Cashman announced. “My real name is Brian Goldman.  But once I became a Yankees intern in 1986, I changed it to Cashman for a reason. Money doesn’t grow on trees, but money does grow on the Yankees.”

Halladay, on the other hand was confused.

“I’m confused,” Halladay said.

After buying AJ Burnett, Mark Teixeira and Carsten Charles Sabathia, most baseball fans thought the Yankees were done. But again, Cashman proved us wrong.

“I don’t know how many days there are in Christmas, but in Chanukah, we have eight days,” Cashman said. “That means one present every night. Since over half of the Yankees management is Jewish, that means we get at least four presents for this special holiday… or should I say Halladay? Oh, I’m so clever.”

The biggest losers in this deal are the Philadelphia Phillies.

“The Yankees already (expletive) on the (expletive) (expletive) World Series,” Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. said calmly. “Are you (expletive) kidding me? How the (expletive) is this possible?”

Pundits said if the Yankees want any chance of winning their second straight World Series, they will need more than just the ageless Andy Pettitte, the horse Sabathia and the erratic, but often sensational Burnett.

“Now all we need is Zack Greinke and Tim Lincecum,” Cashman said. “Only then would this Chanukah season be complete.”

Game Notes:

Unlike the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Future, Cashman only talks about getting another Chanukah present.

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