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Tomas Vokoun's gruesome injury was caused by Ron Artest's supplying of alcohol. Artest drinks during basketball games.

In the appalling story that is too sickening to believe it’s real, Florida Panthers defenseman Keith Ballard whacked his own goalie, Tomas Vokoun, in the head with a stick, cutting his ear, after Atlanta Thrashers left wing Ilya Kovalchuk scored a goal.

NHL analyst Barry Melrose called the incident “maybe the stupidest thing I’ve seen in my life.” I don’t know that Los Angeles Lakers forward Ron Artest would agree.

Artest, who recently admitted that he drank alcohol during games when he was a member of the Chicago Bulls, and was involved in the “Malice at the Palace” gave Ballard the Hennessy to drink before games and during the first and second intermissions.

“I didn’t mean to hit Tomas [Vokoun] in the head. I was really drunk and for that, I am ever so apologetic and take full responsibility for my actions,” Ballard said. “I didn’t know that was his ear I was chopping off. I’m no Mike Tyson, it’s just that due to my drunken state, I thought he was that girl from The Blair Witch Project. After giving such a horrendous performance in the movie, the least I could is bash her in the face.”

Vokoun gave a heartfelt speech on the accident.

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Posted by: The Matzo Ball | November 30, 2009

Winner of 3-Point Contest To Take Over New Jersey Nets

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Former New Jersey Nets Coach Lawrence Frank was fired after losing 16 straight to start the 2009-10 season. His replacement? The winner of the upcoming 3-point contest!

Remember the movie “Eddie,” the 1996 movie about the New York Knicks’ struggles, where Whoopi Goldberg hits a free throw and eventually becomes coach of the team?

If there is a remake of the movie and it comes out in 2016, it could be labeled as a true story – as long as the team is changed from the Knicks to the New Jersey Nets.

Nets coach Lawrence Frank was recently fired, mired in a historic 16-game losing streak to the start the season, which is the polar opposite of his 13-game winning streak to begin his coaching career with New Jersey.

For the time being, assistant coach Tom Barrise will take over the coaching duties.

But unlike in “Eddie,” where the Knicks held a free-throw shooting contest to see who would take over as coach, the Nets are having a 3-point contest to determine who will be head coach for the duration of the 2009-10 season.

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Posted by: The Matzo Ball | November 28, 2009

Facebook’s Farmville Caused Tiger Woods’ Severe Car Crash

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Had it not been for Farmville, Tiger Woods would not have gotten into a serious car crash.

Hundreds of questions surrounded the controversy regarding golf superstar Tiger Woods’ serious car accident, after he mysteriously got into a one-car wreck just outside of his $2.4 million mansion in Florida.

Some speculated that there may be alcohol involved or that it may be a domestic violence issue, but official reports concluded that neither booze nor spousal abuse played a role whatsoever.

Instead, Tiger Woods admitted that he crashed into a fire hydrant because he was busy playing Farmville, the popular Facebook game, on his iPhone.

“I was playing Farmville on Facebook for seven hours and my wife said that if I don’t stop playing on the computer, then she’s going to kick me out of the house,” Woods said. “Now first of all, it’s my house, so if anyone is getting kicked out, it’s her. But since I’m totally whipped, I knew there was no way.”

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Posted by: The Matzo Ball | November 27, 2009

The November 27 Matzo Ball of the Week Awards (2nd Edition):

The November 27 Matzo Ball of the Week Awards:

Matzo Ball Article of the Week We’re just trying to do our jobs! The Clippers can’t do anything right nowadays.

Matzo Ball Photo of the Week
Umpires can never catch a break – But in this case, he did catch a tear.

Matzo Ball Play of the Week
The Eagles had virtually no offense in this game – But at least the pigeon did.

Matzo Ball Song of the Week Muse – Uprising

Matzo Ball Team of the Week

November 27 – We can’t just choose one team — so we’ll choose a whole division instead! Congratulations to the AFC North, which went 0-4 for the week. These were not pretty games… The Steelers and Bengals losing to the putrid Chiefs and Raiders, the Browns blowing a seemingly insurmountable lead to lose to the Lions on the last play of the game and the Ravens barely missing out on beating the undefeated Colts. Oy.

Kansas City 27, Pittsburgh 24 (OT) ,
Detroit 38, Cleveland 37 ,
Oakland 20, Cincinnati 17,
Indianapolis 17, Baltimore 15.

Matzo Ball Video of the Week Relax, it’s only football –  Just dont relax too much.

To check out all your favorite Matzo Ball of the Week Awards, click here!

Posted by: The Matzo Ball | November 26, 2009

CBS Intern Pranks NFL Network During Giants/Broncos Game

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Denver Broncos Coach Josh McDaniels: "AAAAAAHHHHH!!

NFL Network should be liable for its mistake of allowing footage of a pre-taped foul-mouthed huddle to surface, showing Denver Broncos coach Josh McDaniels screaming, “All we’re trying to do is win a mother [expletive] game” in the Broncos’ 26-6 win over the New York Giants.

But NFL Network won’t take ownership for its disastrous audio clip, according to latest reports.

In what is now being classified as a “media prank,” CBS intern Stephen Farrarro allegedly hacked into NFL Network’s live telecast and used the McDaniels footage that was not supposed to make it to the air.

“There are some pranks that are funny, but sometimes you have people who take it too far,” said Steve Bornstein, the President of The NFL Network. “The worst prank we ever made on CBS was when instead of televising the Duke/N.C. State basketball game, we tricked them into putting the Drexel/George Mason game. OK, fine… it was pretty cruel to force people to watch a Drexel game, but at least George Mason went to the Final Four about half a decade ago!”

As part of a hazing act that CBS requires its interns to go through, Farrarro had a choice to either punch a Fox executive in the face, kidnap a female NBC anchor, change the CW logo to WB on three shows, or ensure there was swearing on a sports broadcast.

“I didn’t know any Fox executives that haven’t already been punched in the face, so that was out of the question,” Farrarro said. “And my friend Ian just kidnapped the woman I was thinking about kidnapping, so I didn’t want to make it too obvious. I’m not good with graphics so changing the CW logo to WB would be pretty difficult, so the swearing thing made the most sense to me.”

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Posted by: The Matzo Ball | November 23, 2009

37 Fans Watch Clippers Game, Good For Highest Total of Year

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The Clippers need to stop focusing on wins and just focus on getting viewers. They got a season-best 37 against Memphis.

According to the Los Angeles Times and the Nielsen Ratings, the Los Angeles Clippers had their most watched game of the season in the L.A. market in the Clippers’ 106-91 loss at Memphis.

A share of 37 people watched the game.

“This is very meaningful for the Clippers’ franchise because it shows how dedicated our fanbase is and how important our team is to the Los Angeles community,” Charles Krenshaw, the Clippers Assistant GM said. “For a while, we were only getting 10 or 20 people to watch our games, but I think things are starting to turn around.”

Ye Olde Clippers Faithful could portray the high ratings as a significantly positive change for the team, but unfortunately, approximately 12 percent of the viewers (four people) had complaints about the broadcasters Ralph Lawler and Michael Smith, after they said some “inappropriate” commentary in the broadcast.

The on-air exchange went precisely like this after Memphis’ Hamed Haddadi entered the game:

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Chicago Bears wide receiver/return specialist showed the world the image of Jay Cutler tattooed on toosh. But tuchus, fanny or behind, it was not inspirational enough to get the Bears a win.

As the Chicago Bears were trying to make a fourth-quarter comeback against the Philadelphia Eagles, Jay Cutler was preparing for his throw-an-interception-to-end-the-game routine. Typical 2009 Cutler is what you’re thinking to yourself, and so are hundreds of journalists across the country.

But out of all the haters, there is one Chicago man who is standing up for Cutler – and no, we’re not talking about Donovan McNabb’s kind gestures after the Eagles’ 24-20 over the Bears. We’re pointing toward Mr. Devin Hester, who as we found out late Monday night on NBC, has a tattoo of Cutler on the right upper section of his toosh.

After Jay Cutler threw an interception in the San Francisco 49ers game to guide the Bears to another heartbreaking loss back on Nov. 12, Hester talked to his personal trainer, who tattooed a picture of Cutler on his upper tooshy area.

“So many people have been on his [Cutler’s] butt about his poor performance this year,” Hester said, “and I thought it was time for Cutler to be on someone’s butt for a change. Now, barring any serious surgeries that deal with my posterior, Cutler will be with me forever.”

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Posted by: mmazzeo | November 21, 2009

Nets Buy First Win

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Some call Nets Owner Mikhail Prokhorov lucky. I'd just call him rich.

After losing their 10th consecutive game to start the 2009-10 season, the New Jersey Nets elected to buy their first win.

Mikhail Prokhorov, the Russian billionaire who is very close to a deal to purchase majority ownership of the Nets franchise, paid the NBA $10 million for the victory – or what he spends on a posh party during a typical weekend.

“First we’ll buy wins,” Prokhorov said. “Eventually we’ll be able to buy championships, then the NBA. Just watch.”

Cleveland Cavaliers swingman LeBron James may be the offseason’s hot commodity, but Prokhorov isn’t interested in bidding for the budding superstar.

“What’s the point?” said Prokhorov. “We don’t need Lebron. In fact, we don’t need anyone. All you need as money. It buys everything… parties, girls, wins, championships and happiness.”

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Posted by: The Matzo Ball | November 20, 2009

The First Ever Matzo Ball of the Week Awards!!

Well folks, seeing how this site is officially seven days old, you know what that means!! It’s time for the Matzo Ball of the Week Awards!!!

The November 20 Matzo Ball of the Week Awards:

Matzo Ball Article of the Week Never accept a hockey stick from strangers – And people said hockey fans weren’t aggressive.

Matzo Ball Photo of the Week All Wives Love Sports It’s a good thing guys have Mastercards.

Matzo Ball Play of the Week Hoping to Net their first win… – But instead, they couldn’t take the Heat.

Matzo Ball Song of the Week Congratulations to Allen Iverson, the former Sixer/Nugget/Piston/Grizzlie Bear/. You might not be on a basketball team right now (at the time of this post), but at least you earned the Matzo Ball Song of the Week for take the first honors of this humbling award.

Matzo Ball Team of the WeekJust for this special first edition, we are giving it to all New Jersey teams. C0ngrats to the New Jersey Nets the East Rutherford, NJ (New York) Jets and the East Rutherford, NJ (New York) Giants, who have combined for 0 wins in November.

Since this is the first ever mentioning of “Team of the Week” on the Matzoball, we decided to give the award to three teams, but just one state. Congratulations to the teams and of city the month thus far…   New Jersey, unlike all your sports teams.. YOU WIN!!!  The three-way-tie goes to the New Jersey Nets the East Rutherford, NJ (New York) Jets and the East Rutherford, NJ (New York) Giants.

Things have been going very well for the state of New Jersey. In the month of November, the Jets (0-2), Giants (0-2) and Nets (0-9) have combined for as many wins as the Philadelphia Lakers.

Matzo Ball Video of the Week Who said the Yankees don’t buy World Series Titles? – We surely didn’t

To check out all your favorite Matzo Ball of the Week Awards, click here!

Posted by: The Matzo Ball | November 19, 2009

Arizona Cardinals ask for Super Bowl XLIII To Be Replayed

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The Steelers' Super Bowl win over the Cardinals may be nullified after Arizona's attempt to have a rematch.

Over nine months after the Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Arizona Cardinals 27-23 in Super Bowl XLIII, Cardinals Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt has contacted league officials and asked for the game to be replayed due to “a major error in a referee’s judgment.

This is the second time recently that a team has asked to have a rematch due to poor calls by the official.

“When you play at the game’s biggest stage, you want to get the call right,” Whisenhunt said. “But when you don’t, then you must have a do-over. Even though we have challenges in the NFL, each coach should get at least one mulligan a game. Some people think golf is a sport, right? Well, why can’t football be too?”

On second-and-six from the Cardinals’ 46, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger threw for a 40-yard pass to Santonio Holmes. But Whisenhunt claims that play should have never happened.

“I meant to call a time out, and I told him [Head Official Randel James] that there was a good chance I would call a timeout on this drive,” the Cardinals coach said. “But when Holmes made that catch, I looked at Randel. He looked at me. And we both looked at the Gatorade bucket. We were thirsty.” Read More…

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